Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
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[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.