The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
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Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
What a kind woman! 😂😂
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?