Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
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“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.