2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
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Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.