Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
You Might Also Like
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.