doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
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hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
“You’d better run, egg!”
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted