How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
You Might Also Like
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!