6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?