“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
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where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
A leaf blower, but for people.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD