I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
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Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
blocked.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.