They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
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I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Your secret is safeish with me
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.