Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
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Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Baking is just science you can eat.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.