People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
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Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
this is uni
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.