Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
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Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes