what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
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Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
I have written yet another poem about laundry
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Mornin
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.