So we got a goldfish…
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DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
There’s never enough good news
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room