I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
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Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.