My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
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Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*