Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
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Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Posting this on behalf of a friend
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction