Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
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my father died in a conga line and so shall i
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*