They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
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What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]