Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
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*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin