[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
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Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email