Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
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AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
“I wouldn’t.”
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Watermelon Boss!
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant