Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
You Might Also Like
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”