If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
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Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever