Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
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My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Going into Monday like
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
I did not eat the cake…
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it