If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
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Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when