Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
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Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
This could’ve been an email.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it