COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
You Might Also Like
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
reminder
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Pretty certain I can more drunk
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*