Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
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I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Good point.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass