nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
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I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
This is the coolest video you will see today.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.