“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
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The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
North and South
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.