Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
You Might Also Like
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.