Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
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There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.