There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
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I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!