ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
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them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.