Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
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If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Posting this on behalf of a friend
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.