Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
You Might Also Like
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Most fashion shows these days…
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade