Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
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‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
figuring out my emotional availability:
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Matt Goss
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.