The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
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I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Care for your back
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad