Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
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I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
I like long walks away from everyone
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Bike for sale
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.