I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
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My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.