In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
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psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Lucky old June.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes