Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
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Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
The first matador
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?