I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
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My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
bout dat hot dog summer