My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
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you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
new wife guy just dropped
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means