Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
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*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question