Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
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As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Phonetics
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.