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TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.